


The Library Interlude

by Nymaria



Series: Awkward Conversations with Sam Winchester [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Season/Series 10, Angst, Asexual Castiel, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Awkwardness, Castiel Whump, Castiel in the Bunker, Established Relationship, Introspection, M/M, Men of Letters Bunker, POV Sam Winchester, Relationship Advice, Sam Is a Good Friend, Secrets, Self-Esteem Issues, Supportive Sam, discussion of asexuality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-04
Updated: 2015-11-04
Packaged: 2018-04-30 00:28:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5143607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nymaria/pseuds/Nymaria
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam didn't know how exactly it happened, but this kind of turned into a discussion of sexuality and attraction. Well, he did start it, he supposed. </p><p>Or Sam Winchester tries to give relationship advice that Cas ultimately ignores.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Library Interlude

**Author's Note:**

> This turned out way more serious than I intended.

Sam sneaked another glance into the library, as he went past four the nth time. He'd been doing that periodically for about an hour, searching for a pretext to stalk past the room's open doorway again and again. The picture he got, hadn't changed with repetition. There was still just Castiel, bent over ancient lore books, his concentration entirely focused on determining what way one could best eliminate the creature they'd stumbled upon on their last hunt.

That had been a remarkably shitty day, when they'd found this new thing, which was kind of a mixture of a rabid werewolf (definitely not like Garth, that one! ) and, well, ...a zombie. 

Yep, it had been that kind of hunt.

The thing not only looked grotesque with its habit of leaving skin scraps behind, it was also damn hard to kill. Dean had promptly christened it "werebie" and unfortunately the name had stuck. He kind of wanted to kick himself for letting Dean choose to name an unknown monster once again. He'd just kind of figured that they weren't the first hunters or men of letters to come across it. Well, he'd been wrong, so werebies it was. Occasionally he wondered what future generations of hunters would make of their notes on the supernatural, considering there were things like Jefferson Starships and werebies in it. 

He'd started to compile them into books, because there was really a lot of obscure lore, that wasn't exactly helpful to the job. Sometimes it were the ancient, extinct languages the texts were written in, but more often the information was just incomplete. Therefore he figured that their notes could be really helpful one day to other people involved with the supernatural, that had less experience hunting than he and his brother. Which was probably any hunter worldwide. 

But that wasn't the reason he was once more hovering in the doorway to the library. It was Cas. Well, not exactly Cas, but more of an intervention. Because apparently Dean and Cas were together now, romantically speaking. And while Dean wasn't one for commitment, he wouldn't have started something with his best friend and an angel, if he wasn't serious about it. At least Sam hoped he didn't. With Dean one never knew. 

That didn't mean he wasn't happy for them. If anyone deserved happiness it were those two. And he'd truly never seen his brother look so happy and Cas almost seemed to glow with contentment. So, this was a good thing. Therefore it had taken a while for him to grasp and understand the wariness he unfailingly felt, when he saw them together. 

They were supposed to be Team Free Will, that meant the three of them against the rest of the world. Nobody since Bobby had gotten so close to them, not Kevin and not even Charlie. He didn't want to admit it, but he was feeling slightly jealous.  
How come Dean got to be so... lucky, when he'd barely even tried to maintain a serious relationship? Yes, there was that stint with Lisa, but he never would have given up his hunting life, not permanently. And with Cas he didn't have to. 

Sam had been in his fair share of relationships, and they all inevitably failed, because of one aspect of his life. Being a hunter. Most women he was involved with romantically either died of supernatural causes or he had to leave them. Definitely depressing, if he thought about it, which he tried his utmost to avoid. So, Dean and Cas should be perfect for each other, right? 

It hadn't occurred to him on that morning, when he stumbled upon Dean in the kitchen, to doubt that. At the time Dean had been his usual smirky I-just-had-sex-self and he'd been completely stumped by the revelation. Considering his shock, he'd handled the situation quite well, if he said so himself. 

Only, what would happen, if it... went wrong? If they split apart?

Of course they loved each other, he knew that. Something could still happen. And what was he supposed to do then? Cas would leave. Dean would mope around the bunker. And their team would be reduced to a duo once more. 

Maybe it was selfish to be so worried about something he couldn't control. 

Still, Cas was his friend, too. If one didn't count Dean, he was his brother after all and practically raised him, so he shouldn't be counted anyway, then Castiel was his best friend. Sometimes his _only_ friend.  
He didn't want to lose him. 

Who had Cas to turn to? The angels? They hated him. Because anytime Cas had to make a choice, he chose them. Maybe prevalently Dean, but ultimately them both, the Winchester brothers. He truly was family, and would have been even if nothing ever happened with Dean. Cas was like a brother to him.

And he didn't want him to get hurt. Even if the one hurting him was Dean. 

And of course he didn't want Dean to be hurt either. It's just, he _knew_ Cas. One of the things he would absolutely never do, was hurt Dean Winchester. Sam could proudly say that he didn't consider himself to be an idiot, it was fairly obvious that the angel had loved his brother almost from the beginning.

His brother was more difficult to read. Yes, he suspected he harbored feelings for their resident angel, for years actually, yet no son of John Winchester would ever act on them. Their father was a difficult man, and tolerance wasn't one of his favoured attributes. 

So it took him completely by surprise, when he finally figured it out. He still couldn't imagine how that exactly happened. Who had finally taken the foot out of his mouth and approached the matter of feelings? Usually he'd never suspect Dean to be the initiator in anything connected to feelings and talking. But he'd kind of had to be, because Cas was even more hopeless. 

It wasn't like he was intruding, he told himself. He just wanted to make sure that everything was... good. 

Anyway, Cas probably needed someone to talk to him about this. Dean certainly wouldn't, he was allergic to chick-flick moments after all. That, like always, left Sam to it. He'd just have to man up, go over there and talk to Cas. 

This was really awkward. 

"Hey, Cas", Sam called out, as he finally made his way into the room instead of just shuffling at its entrance. 

A slight smile flit across Cas' face. It sometime still threw Sam, when he compared it to the old, stoic, statue-of-marble Castiel. "Hello, Sam."

"Hope I'm not interrupting? " he inquired, glancing at all the opened tomes spread across the table. He stood stiffly to the side of Cas' chair, wary of disturbing any of his materials. 

Cas tilted his head in puzzlement. "Actually, yes you...", then he abruptly stopped, apparently realising social expectations and amended his answer. "No, um, I could use a...break?" He eyed Sam questioningly, waiting for his cue. 

Sam stifled his laugh and gave Cas a fond smile. Cas was slowly adapting to human culture, it was an ongoing process, however it still amazed Sam how willing he was to try to learn.  
"Uh, yeah, I heard there were congratulations in order? " he forced out, keeping his tone light and carefree. 

"Forgive me, Sam, but I do not think I deserve your congratulations yet, I have barely come ahead with my research on the werebies. "

"Right." He liked talking to Cas, but it could be frustrating to spell everything out. "Not what I meant, Cas. Uh, people congratulate each other, when they get involved with someone. "

"Oh. Thank you, Sam. I did not know the change of a relationship status would warrant congratulations. "

"Yeah, um, so, you and Dean? " he asked awkwardly.

"Yes, indeed." Cas looked calm, his expression blank, which was such a contrast to the beginning of the conversation. Great, he didn't expect Cas to close off so soon, he'd always liked talking about Dean. 

Then Sam got it. Quite obvious in fact. 

Without further ado he cleared a seat and let himself drop unceremoniously into it. He let his hand rest on Cas shoulder and squeezed it reassuringly. "Don't worry. I'm alright with it. Dean told you, we've talked, right? " He smiled at Cas' uncertain nod and continued, "I just wanted to offer, well, to maybe talk? If you want to, that is. Thought you might have questions or something and I know Dean's not really easy to ask. So, you know Cas, I'm there for you, okay? Just because Dean is my brother doesn't mean we can't talk about this."

"Thank you, Sam. " The sheer gratitude in Cas' eyes was humbling. Difficult to believe that an _angel_ could look at him like that. 

"Sure, we're friends, Cas", he emphasised and squeezed his shoulder once more before letting go. "And, you're happy, right? With Dean? "

Cas fairly glowed in pleasure. "Very. "

"So, there anything you'd like to talk about? "

Cas eyes dropped to his lap and Sam had the unusual privilege to see the angel fidget. Maybe he was embarrassed? God, Sam fervently hoped he didn't have to answer any sex questions, or the images would be difficult to suppress. He winced at the thought. But Cas didn't look embarrassed, no blush or anything, more... uncomfortable.  
Oh. Right. 

"I won't tell Dean", he quickly reassured. 

At that Cas lifted his eyes to his at last. "You promised each other not to keep secrets anymore. "

"That's right. And this is not keeping a secret, it's respecting each others privacy. " Cas didn't look convinced. "Look, Cas, if there is something I think Dean should know, I'll tell you, alright? Then you can tell him yourself. And if you don't want to, that's fine, too. Because this is entirely between you and him. I'm just saying, if you'd like to share your thoughts, doubts, anger whatever, I'm here to listen."

Oh, wow, he didn't think the look of gratitude could get up a notch, but somehow Cas managed. A long, drawn out silence followed and Sam was about ready to flee, when Cas opened his mouth: "Why are humans so fixated on sex? "

Woah. That was quite the question.  
"Like, in general? Uh, I guess, it's fun? It helps you relax and find pleasure in each others bodies. But more importantly, if you have feelings for the other person involved, it builds a connection. Intimacy. Trust."

"Dean likes sex." Yep, understatement of the century, though definitely true. What was he supposed to say to that? 

"Well, most people do to some degree."

"I don't." Castiel's quiet confession stumped Sam completely. This... this was serious. 

Sam didn't want to think of his brother this way, but Cas answer left him little choice. And he had no idea what kind of lover Dean was. He only knew of all his escapades with women. As far as he saw, most considered him to be a terrific and wonderful lover, judging by the repeat performances he indulged in, when they happened to return to a town. But considerate? Gentle? Actually, what with the mark and his time in hell, it wouldn't surprise Sam, if he wasn't. But if he'd hurt Cas-  
"What. ..what do you mean, Cas? Did he. ..was he like. .." Rough? Forceful? A selfish demanding dick? 

Cas blinked and looked at him in confusion, until for once he seemed to get it.  
"No, he was very gentle. He didn't hurt me. And I'm an angelic being, it is impossible to hurt me in this way. "

Yeah, he'd kind of forgotten that for a second.  
"So, you just didn't enjoy the sensation?" Of penetrative sex. Oh god, he couldn't believe they were having this conversation. "I think, it'll get better after the first time. "

"We had sex on various occasions", Cas stated neutrally. 

Right. He so did not need to know that. But this was important and clearly Dean had no idea. Frankly Sam was concerned himself.  
"Not better, huh? "

Cas shook his head in defeat. "No. "

"What about the reaper? April? Did you like it with her? " He could remember hearing Cas tell the story and the big grin on his face. Was that fake? 

"I wanted to. Humans are greatly influenced by intercourse, and I was human at the time. I wanted to experience it. Enjoy it."

"But you didn't? " Cas nodded. "So you lied, when you told us about it. "

Cas shrugged helplessly. "Did I ever tell you that Dean took me to a brothel once, before the apocalypse?" It was Sam ' s turn to shake his head. "I was human and I wanted to belong. I thought this would. ..help. "

Way to make him feel shitty. Cas lost his virginity to feel more human, to find a place to belong to, only to be thrown out regardless.  
"Then, how'd it happen, with Dean?" He stopped him before Cas could start to answer. "I mean, how did you get together? Did he tell you, well, how he feels about you? "

"No. "  
"No? "asked Sam incredulously.  
"Not exactly at least. " Like that was any less vague. God, Dean, what did you do?  
"Cas, what does that mean? "  
"Well, he kissed me. "

"Just like that? Out of the blue? " Since talking is overrated anyway. Right. And Dean was Mr Constipated when it came to feelings. 

"I don't know what the colour blue has to do with this? And how can something come out of blue? Does it mean water?" Cas frowned in confusion, head tilted to the side. 

When would he learn not to use such expressions in front of Cas? At least he got the movie references now, only good thing Metatron ever did. Only that most times he still did not understand them."It's an expression, Cas! So, he didn't say anything? " he added in frustration.

"Dean asked me whether this was okay. I said it was", Cas blushed slightly. "I like kissing." Well, at least he asked. 

"Huh, uh that's good! And then? "  
"He took me to his room and we engaged in-"

"Woah, thanks, I got that! " interrupted Sam quickly. While he wanted to help, this is where he drew the line. "But you wanted it, right? "

"Yes, I wanted to try with Dean, I thought-", Cas paused and his brow furrowed in contemplation, " The first time I attempted to contact Dean wasn't in the barn, where he and Bobby tried to summon me. In rare cases there are humans that can understand my true voice, my true visage. Initially I thought Dean was one of these. However I was wrong, Dean couldn't communicate with me and therefore I needed to take possession of this vessel.  
As an angel, I did not understand feelings. Meeting Dean and you changed me. For the first time I qestioned heaven and my orders. I had doubts. And I began to have feelings not unlike a human. Although the concept of attraction remained alien to me. When I lost my grace, I thought all barriers between me and humanity were lifted. Yet as a human male I still could not relate to attraction and the appeal of sexual relations. That wasn't changed by my experience with April. I thought it might be different with Dean. And it was to a point, I still do not enjoy the act itself, but there are parts I like. "

That was the most he'd ever heard Cas talk in a row. Usually the angel was a perfect example of the use of short, expressive statements that did not waste time on any unnecessary words. So this was really bothering him, probably had weighed on him since his experience as a human. 

"What do you like? " inquired Sam. He didn't want to push, he was curious though. 

"Dean's very affectionate after. And he is more open about sharing his concerns with me. I very much enjoy him holding me. It makes me feel warm and safe. Kissing is pleasant as well. But mostly I'm so very glad that this makes him happy, that I can make him happy."

"Of course you make him happy, Cas. You always have", he reminded him gently. "But it's important that you are happy as well, alright? Cas, I have to say it. You know that Dean wouldn't want you doing anything you did not... enjoy."

Cas eyes widened. "Something is wrong with me, right?" His voice was panicked and stilted, his breathing sped up. Fuck, what could he say? As far as he could tell, Cas was about to have a panic attack. "I'm broken in more ways than I know", he added desperately. 

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.  
Cas shouldn't think that way! This was so wrong. What could he say? He had to say _something_!

"No! That's not true! It's -", he hesitated for a moment. "I think you might be asexual. " He'd had the thought before, when they'd encountered angels like Gabriel, Anna and Balthazar, who apparently indulged in their carnal urges and showed sexual confidence. So it couldn't be something inherently angelic. "Other people are, too. We could do research? You're definitely not alone", he assured. "And they also manage to be in functional relationships... I think, it's important that you're honest, Cas. We all said it, right? No more secrets? "

"No! I- Sam it would change things", he said helplessly, shaking his head and cringed into himself. 

It would change things. That was inevitable. Still, if he'd learned one thing over the years it was that no matter how much you may want to bury some things, somehow they would always come to light. Honesty was much preferable.  
"Yes. But perhaps for the better."

"Or worse. I don't want to lose him. I would do anything not to. " The fear as well as determination was visible in the harsh lines around his mouth and the steely glint in his blue eyes. 

"I know. " Sam sighed. Cas would do anything, give anything for his brother. It was one of the few constants in their lives. Yes, it had surprised him to see Dean develop feelings of such depth for another man, much less act on them. Although he sort of understood, it must be difficult to remain unaffected in the face of such devotion. 

"I love him. Possibly I always have. When I first saw him in hell everything was rotten and foul, yet his soul somehow managed to retain its pureness and light. It was beautiful, Sam. An angel's existence is infinite, static. We do not change, we have no will. Obedience is our purpose. Your brother showed me differently. I changed, I rebelled. ..for him. He taught me that it is acceptable to want something for oneself. I learned to see the world with other eyes, to appreciate the stubbornness of human nature. I stopped considering you to be beneath me. I made mistakes, yet I would never want to go back to that state of ignorance. Life is precious. I've always loved god's work, yet I feel it differently now. "

"Yeah, that kind of happens, when you fall in love. "

"Dean is beautiful body and soul. It was difficult not to", Cas admitted. Sam had to suppress a smile at that, he was absolutely sure his brother would _love_ to be described as beautiful.  
"I guess you won't tell him anything you just told me. " He didn't think it was right to conceal this from his brother, but he got it. Would have probably done the same in a similar situation. 

"Not all secrets have to be poisonous in their nature." That was all Cas said, and well, he was not wrong. Besides, there was nothing Sam could do but offer his support. Ultimately it wasn't his choice. This was one of the things the angel learned from them after all.  
"Then it's our secret", he confirmed. 

"Thank you Sam, this conversation was very... enlightening", Cas said awkwardly with a smile that showed his quiet gratitude. 

Well, if Cas felt enlightened, then he probably shouldn't feel bad about it. He'd thanked him three times in about an hour, while Sam had done nothing, really, but listen. He should do that more often, take the time to listen to Cas. He didn't know why he hadn't before.  
Abruptly he stood up from the chair and pulled the other man into a tight hug. He held on for longer than usual and could feel how the stiffness slowly receded from Cas' shoulders as he relaxed into the hold.  
"Always. We're family after all. " 

"Hope I'm not interrupting you ladies", came a smooth, teasing voice from the direction of the doorway. "You seem to be having a moment. " Dean strolled into the library, picked an armchair and sank down to lazily stretch out his legs.

Sam pulled away from Cas and turned to his brother, a familiar churning in his belly. He could easily recognise and define it as guilt. Felt it too often not to. No matter. Nothing he could do about that. 

"So what have you been up to?" Dean smirked at them and wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. Now would be the time to laugh. Seemed he couldn't though.

Cas and him answered almost simultaneously.  
"Researching the were-"  
"Nothing of importa-"

And stopped abruptly. 

Dean's eyebrows jumped up. "Right. "He eyed them sceptically. "You been talking 'bout me?"  
"Uh. Sort of? " Sam tried, shuffling his feet in discomfort under the scrutiny.  
Cas shot a nervous glance at him. And for god's sake, could they look any more guilty? 

Dean laughed. "Oh man. That's alright. I know you're friends, so, whatever. You can talk about how awesome I am. "

That calmed Cas right away and how did Dean do that? Cas managed a small smile and acknowledged, "Very awesome. " 

"Don't I know it", commented Dean with a pleased grin. "I'm going to make dinner, you wanna help? " He directed the question at Cas, who nodded, heading towards the kitchen. 

Cas was already gone, when Dean turned back to Sam, his expression unexpectedly earnest and concerned.  
"Wasn't anything serious, was it, Sammy?"

Sam swallowed hard, throat tight, then replied with a light smile.  
"Nope. "

**Author's Note:**

> So, don't know exactly how that happened. I actually wanted to write a short fluffy piece, in which Sam gets to show his supportive side and maybe a little bit of teasing. Not quite what happened. I always pictured Cas as asexual, and I still think this interpretation of the character is at least possible. So this kind of wrote itself. 
> 
> Hope you still liked it and thanks for reading. Comments as always appreciated.


End file.
